Creative and fun uses for a bicycle pump! (fwd)

[B. Emerson]

Hey everyone,
	Sorry for the long forward, but I thought this little saftey
notice needed to be posted before any of you creative types got hurt.
Later,
	Brian E.


---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 7 Nov 1997 08:55:53 -0800
From: Deus X Machina <machina at e-z.net>
Subject: Creative and fun uses for a bicycle pump!


>>>Japan Times -- April 16, 1997
>>>
>>>"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'," 
>>> a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters.  "If 
>>>this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's
manhood." 
>>>
>>>He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak 
>>>had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
>>>
>>>"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting 
>>>the nozzzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, 
>>>creating a momentary high.  This act is a sin against God."
>>>
>>>Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot 
>>>pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to 
>>>friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby 
>>>gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, 
>>>he snuck in.
>>>
>>>Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep 
>>>into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.  As a result, he died 
>>>virtually instantly, but passersby are still in shock. One woman though 
>>>she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.
>>>
>>>"We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities.
>>>"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he 
>>>nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
>>>
>>>"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to satan,"
>>>Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide 
>>>your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
>>>
>>> Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1997 undisputed 
>>>Darwin Awards recipient!
---------------------------------------------------------------
>> >>                 ----     Kid Quotes     ----
>> >>                           ==========
>> >>
>> >>   Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After
>> >>   preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
>> >>   bumpier.  -- Angela Martin, age 11
>> >>
>> >>   Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or
>> >>   four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at
>> >>   least a minute.  -- Lisa Coburn, age 9
>> >>
>> >>   Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work.
>> >>   I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every
>> >>   other day.  -- Nick Coleman, age 9
>> >>
>> >>   Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if
>> >>   they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl
>> >>   and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took
>> >>   that risk.  -- Bruce Wagner, age 13
>> >>
>> >>   A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But
>> >>   the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.  -- Megan,
>> >>   age 14
>> >>
>> >>   The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from
>> >>   essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and
>> >>   6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most
>> >>   interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they
>> >>   know and then stop."
>> >>
>> >>   Question: What is one horsepower?  Answer: One horsepower is the
>> >>   amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
>> >>
>> >>   You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you
>> >>   came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
>> >>
>> >>   Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
>> >>
>> >>   The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
>> >>
>> >>   When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed
>> >>   with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed
>> >>   with explosions.
>> >>
>> >>   When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
>> >>   When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
>> >>
>> >>   Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
>> >>
>> >>   Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any
>> >>   direction.
>> >>
>> >>   South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they
>> >>   still manage.
>> >>
>> >>   Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
>> >>   change back into a sun in the daytime.
>> >>
>> >>   Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180
>> >>   degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees
>> >>   between north and south.
>> >>
>> >>   A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it
>> >>   wants to go.
>> >>
>> >>   There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
>> >>   discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
>> >>
>> >>   There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
>> >>   because of so much population stomping around up here these days.
>> >>
>> >>   Lime is a green-tasting rock.
>> >>
>> >>   Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others
>> >>   preferred to be oil.
>> >>
>> >>   Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why
>> >>   you should.
>> >>
>> >>   Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we
>> >>   know they're there.
>> >>
>> >>   Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water,
>> >>   so sometimes it's brother against brother.
>> >>
>> >>   Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I
>> >>   have never been able to make out the numbers.
>> >>
>> >>   We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
>> >>   gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
>> >>
>> >>   To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
>> >>   solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
>> >>
>> >>   In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are
>> >>   twice as many H's as O's.
>> >>
>> >>   Clouds are high flying fogs.
>> >>
>> >>   I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do
>> >>   it, and that is the important thing.
>> >>
>> >>   Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
>> >>   There is not much else to do.
>> >>
>> >>   Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will
>> >>   kill the strongest man.
>> >>
>> >>   A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
>> >>
>> >>   A monsoon is a French gentleman.
>> >>
>> >>   Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
>> >>
>> >>   Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
>> >>
>> >>   It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in
>> >>   other places.
>> >>
>> >>   The wind is like the air, only pushier.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

>
>Deep thought...
>Bragging is only the patter of little feats.
>
>------
>
>A proctologist decided to quit, and become a car mechanic.
>He took a mechanics' course, and did the mechanics'
>union exam, and received the grade 105 percent.
>
>The authorities were very puzzled about such an unusual
>grade, and inquired about it. The tester explained:
>
>"He's a really good mechanic. I asked him to fill the oil,
>and he did. I asked him to put in new filters, and he
>did. I asked him to clean the spark-plugs, and he did."
>
>"So why didn't you grade him a 100 percent--why 105?"
>
>"Cause he did it all through the exhaust pipe."
>
>-----
>
>After a really terrible round of golf the player said, "I think
>I'll just go drown myself in the lake."
>
>"I doubt you could keep your head down that long," said his
>caddy.
>
>-----
>
>A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
>
>-----
>
>Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are in a car going
>through Kansas that is suddenly swept up by a tornado.
>The car is lifted high off the ground and then suddenly it gently
>comes back to earth.
>
>The trio gets out of the car and notice a big sign that indicates
>they are in the land of Oz.  They decide to go see the Wizard.
>
>Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
>
>Gingrich says, "I'm requesting a heart."
>
>Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
>-----